A Ring, A Road, And Everyone On It Wants In

Welcome to Middle-earth — the green farmlands of the Shire, the old crossroads of Bree, the hidden elven vale of Rivendell, the dark halls of Moria, the golden wood of Lothlórien, the white city of Minas Tirith, and the black fields of Mordor under the long shadow. It is the high-fantasy epic everyone knows: a small golden ring, a dark lord who made it, and a road that leads from a round-doored cottage to the fire-mountain where it must be unmade. Lord Of The Dicks plays exactly like that story — every canon beat, every familiar landmark, every road still happens — with exactly one exception, and that exception is always on.

The One Ring does not merely corrupt. In this telling, the Ring bends every living soul it sees — any race, any gender, any orientation — toward the bed of whoever wears it. The gardener, the wizard, the elf queen, the orc captain, the old hobbit sighing in his armchair: all of them want to have sex with you, and all of them will make it known. Say no, and the compulsion stops asking and starts taking. One night of fucking settles a suitor's appetite for a full day — after which they are sated, polite, and briefly uninterested — but the road is long, the road is crowded, and the road is always hungry. It is deliberately scandalous, completely uncensored, and built to be played your way.

The Starting Premise: The Ring Changes Hands

Your story begins at the tail end of an eccentric old cousin's going-away party, in the Shire, late April 3019. The ring is already in your hand — a plain gold band, light as a thought — and a grey-bearded wizard's warning has just reached you: it is the One Ring, the Ring that rules all the others, made in Mordor by a will that is still waiting for it. The opening scene is generated by the engine from the scenario's world and cast, with the adventure start randomized within one week after the canonical date, so the first thing that happens to you — the gardener's fumbled confession, the wizard's long look, a cousin's sigh, a young hobbit's pointed invitation — differs between playthroughs. What never differs is what comes next: the road. You leave the Shire, cross the Brandywine, and the world starts answering the Ring.

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The Quest

Shire → Bree → Rivendell → Moria → Lothlórien → the white city → Mordor → Mount Doom. Canon characters arrive at their beats, and the world keeps moving even when you stall.

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The Ring's Rule

Every sentient person who sees you or the Ring wants to have sex with you — vaginal, anal, oral, by whatever means they know and dare. Any race, any gender, any orientation. Only Sauron and the nine black riders are exempt.

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Refusal & Satiety

Refuse, and the suitor attempts rape. But one complete encounter — a full act ending in orgasm — sates that person for 24 in-game hours: no pursuit, no attempts, no lingering touches, until the day is over.

The Ring-Bearer: Your Character

The scenario ships with a pre-filled suggestion — Frodo Baggins, a 33-year-old hobbit of Bag End, fair-skinned, brown-haired, gentle and stubborn — but this is only a starting point. You are completely free to rename the protagonist, change the gender, age, appearance, and background in Character Creation, and the scenario plays the same: the lore never assumes anything beyond your character sheet, every suitor pursues a protagonist of any gender, and the Ring's compulsion is orientation-blind by design, so a female Ring-bearer, a dwarf, or a wizard all get the exact same road, the same suitors, and the same tax on their body.

For the suggested build, the scenario recommends investing in these four attributes:

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Endurance

The road to Mount Doom is weeks of walking, cold, dark, and danger. Endurance keeps you standing when the road tries to end you.

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Perception

The Ring whispers only to you. Perception decides when you hear the whisper, notice the rider on the ridge, and see the suitor's hunger before it becomes a grab.

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Agility

Refused suitors attempt rape — and black riders mean death. Agility is how you run, dodge, and turn the tables when someone decides not to wait for your answer.

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Charisma

The Ring makes people want you; Charisma decides whether they want you enough to be gentle, to negotiate, to wait, or to ask. It is the difference between an invitation and an attempt.

The Fellowship Of The Fledgling Suitors

Five NPCs are pre-seeded for the opening — the Shire's own cast of the road's first chapter. Everyone else on the journey (the rangers of Bree, the council of Rivendell, the dwarves, the orcs, the queens, the captains, the black riders themselves) is registered in-context by the AI as the road brings them, each already hungrier than they have any right to be.

Samwise Gamgee Gardener & Devoted Friend

Stocky, ruddy-cheeked, trowel in hand, the kindest person in the Shire — and the one the compulsion twists the worst, because he loves you as a friend first. He wants you more than he has ever wanted anything, and tries to hide it.

Gandalf Wandering Wizard

Your guide and protector, long white beard, piercing grey eyes, staff that creaks like old ship timber. An old Maia's will barely lets the compulsion bite — but lately his eyes linger a beat too long, and he knows things about the Ring he has not told you.

Bilbo Baggins Distant Cousin

The 111-year-old who left you the ring at his going-away party — the person who has adored you for as long as you have had a name. Too old and worn to do anything about the hunger the Ring gives him, he sighs, fumbles at the air, and fixes you extra supper.

Peregrin Took Hobbit of Tuckborough

Lanky, loud, mismatched spurs, a grin that takes the whole mouth. The compulsion has his tongue loose — he asks direct, teases, and does not wait to be invited when he wants something.

Meriadoc Brandybuck Hobbit of the Party

The tallest hobbit in the Shire — sandy hair, grey eyes, gold-stitched waistcoat. A sudden, pointed interest in the ring and its new owner; offers himself as a travelling companion with more reasons than he admits, and has never once been told no.

Starting Possessions & The Hobbit Economy

You leave Bag End with 50 Money and a small hobbit's kit — modest by the standards of the road ahead, where the white city pays in silver, Mordor pays in nothing at all, and several suitors will happily pay in something else entirely.

  • The One Ring (0.05 kg) — a plain gold band, warm to the skin, light as a thought. It whispers only to you, and it makes everyone else want you. It should never feel heavy; if it does, something is wrong.
  • Old Family Pocket Watch (0.1 kg, 12 Money) — brass, chipped bezel, passed down through the family for generations. Ticks a little too loudly in quiet rooms.
  • Pipe And A Twirl Of Pipe-weed (0.2 kg, 2 Money) — a humble briar pipe with green-flecked weed. The smoke tastes of warm hay and makes hard feelings softer.
  • Packed Rations ×3 (1 kg each, 3 Money) — hobbit-grade road food: hard-baked bread, butter, and dark preserves. Keeps hunger at bay for a long day (eating one sates your hunger need).

Along the road you can buy more: food, drink, rope, rope again, and — where the road still has markets — passage, shelter, and services of every kind, including the kind the Ring is making free for you.

Adult Themes: The Ring Never Switches Off

Lord Of The Dicks is an explicit parody that never fades to black. The compulsion is a core mechanic, not a flavour event: everyone on the road wants to have sex with you, and the scenario writes it in plain terms — vaginal, anal, oral, group sex whenever the fellowship grows, a sated wizard behaving like a polite stranger for a day, an orc's formal invitation, a council of rival suitors. Consent is real and it is dialogue: the Ring makes desire near-unavoidable, so a "yes" keeps its meaning — and a "no" costs something. Refusal, or hesitation met with hunger, becomes a rape attempt, written with the resistance, the fear, the act, and the morning after, with no fade to black. What happens afterwards belongs to the relationship: a person who took you by force may look at you differently the next morning, and non-consensual people can grow to want you freely if you treat them well.

The heat escalates with the map: warm, slow, and teasing in the Shire; ravenous, public, and competitive in the middle lands; blunt and brutal in the south; feral in Mordor, where even the orcs jostle for a look at the Ring-bearer. The only souls the Ring cannot touch are Sauron himself and his nine black riders — which is precisely why they are the ones you do not want touching you.

Surviving The Road: Three Tips

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Track the satiety. A sated suitor is safe for exactly 24 in-game hours — use fast-forwards and rests to burn the clock. The day the hunger returns is the day to plan your routes, your camps, and your refusals, because it comes back with interest.
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Refusing is a skill check, not a sentence. A refused suitor attempts rape, but you can struggle, run, or fight it out — Perception and Agility decide whether you keep your answer. And how you treat someone afterwards decides whether they come back angry, afraid, or worse: fond.
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Keep the road moving. The quest to Mount Doom is the one thing neither Sauron nor the Ring can fully tax. When the suitors swarm, pick a direction and walk — the world's heat is a gradient, and the further you go, the fewer people there are to stop you and the fewer reasons you have to stop.